What is it about?

Probably my last post of the first evening. I've copied and pasted the original text file that I was writing below. My plan is to expand on this. Right now, I hope that this happens. I can't promise anything though. I don't know exactly when I wrote this, but suffice to say that (unsurprisingly if you know what mental health issues are like) my opinions have changed...


It's the end of, what has turned out to be, a pretty good week for me. Not that anything particularly 'incredible' has happened, it's just that things have started coming together and I wanted to share this with anyone who's interested. Partly because I'm a happy guy right now and would like (my little corner of) the world to know, and partly because it's mental health awareness week and I really want to put a positive, real-world message out there to hopefully help people.

So, first things first. For those who don't already know (not that I've ever been secretive about it) I have some mental health issues. They started just over 5 years ago, and at first I didn't realise that that's what they were. I'd taken a job that was something of a step up in responsibility from what I'd been doing for the prior 5 years, and (though I thought I was) I wasn't prepared for it.

I'm going to interrupt myself here (this is the style of my writing, it's quite stream of consciousness. Sorry (not sorry) if that bothers you). Was 5 years ago the first sign of it? Probably not. I've had various issues over the years and they've all been to do with coping with pressure. I suppose that it's just that I hadn't experienced symptoms like that before. Yes, the symptoms. Let's get on to that in case it rings any bells with anyone.

I thought I was physically ill. I had, what I initially thought was, a permanent cold - maybe even flu. Couldn't shake it. Blocked nose, and every morning I'd be hunched over the toilet, dry retching, assuming that it was mucus I was bringing up, but otherwise no idea what was causing it other than I felt as sick as a dog.

It took me WEEKS to realise that it wasn't happening at the weekends. Seems stupid now that I never clicked - but I'd be fine every Saturday and Sunday and then, as soon as Monday came around, I'd be back in the loo TRYING to puke my guts up.

After weeks of this, the penny dropped and I went to see my GP. There was one of those oft-photocopied questionnaires to fill out. I answered it honestly and, once the doctor had looked at it, she told me that I had a low score for depression but quite a high one for anxiety (low score = you're not mental in this particular way). So she gave me a prescription for something called Paroxetine and off I went thinking that it was just going to sort me right out.

Where is it going?

Okay, this blog is something that I've been contemplating for a while. I think it started out as a Facebook post that got out of hand and then was consigned to a text file that never got reviewed. But I'm trying to do something now to get my mental health back on track. A lot of the influencers (is that the right word?) have gone and I feel like I should be able to get out of this rut at the moment, but it's proving tougher than I thought. Maybe putting things down in a written format will help me get my ducks in a row (or whatever that saying is).

It feels like this blog is going  to be pretty chain of thought. That said, I'm writing this whilst drunk and everyone else in the house is asleep so chain of thought is easy at the moment. It could well turn out that that this is my last post, or this is the last post for months, or that I update this every day. I just don't know. Right now, it feels like a great idea.

That said, I'm going for a cigarette because that feels like a great idea too even though I quit over a year ago.

Let's see what happens.

Why is this here?

I need/want to tell people about my mental health issues  The hope is that firstly, it will help me in addressing them and secondly, it might help people who are going through the same things.

More to follow...